


Shock and Ow

by silveradept



Category: The Adventures of Brisco County Jr.
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-24
Updated: 2016-04-24
Packaged: 2018-06-04 06:36:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6645391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silveradept/pseuds/silveradept
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The record of a lecture and demonstration presented by Professor Albert Wickwire on new devices that will help lawmen with their thankless task of bringing vile criminals and scum to justice.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shock and Ow

**Author's Note:**

  * For [DesertScribe](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DesertScribe/gifts).



\---

May 20th, 1894

Lieutenant John Smith, United States Army, recording a lecture and demonstration presented by Professor Albert Wickwire on new devices that will help lawmen with their thankless task of bringing vile criminals and scum to justice.

I swear that the account that I have written down is true and factual, despite the absurdity of the claims herein.

Present, other than myself, is the aforementioned Professor Wickwire, occasional lecturer and full-time inventor, Mr. Brisco County, Jr, occasional attorney and full-time bounty hunter, a gentleman that calls himself "Lord" Bowler and refuses to give any other name than that, also a full-time bounty hunter, Marshals Shannon and Mann, from the Chicago office, and Officer Fraser, a representative of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police currently engaged in a policing exchange program.

After calling the assembled to order, Professor Wickwire introduced himself and asked them what the most difficult part of their jobs was.

"Runaways," Lord Bowler said immediately, in a vocal tone far too loud for the venue and the company. "Dumb bounties that try to flee and make you do more work catching 'em."

"Not what I was expecting," replied the Professor, "but that just means I get to demonstrate out of my rehearsed order! This will be fun!"

At this point, Professor Wickwire retrieved a device that looked like a policeman's baton from a table behind him. "Lord Bowler, would you please come down here?" Wickwire said, earning himself a look of suspicion from the bounty hunter in return. After several seconds of silence, Professor Wickwire continued as if nothing had happened. "This device here is a standard police truncheon, excellent for subduing a criminal without using lethal force or wasting ammunition. With a portable electric supply added to it, and some wire to carry the charge," and here he turned on the supply, producing an acrid smell and a small lightning arc between the two points where the wire terminated, "it only takes a touch to ensure that the person you are pursuing cannot escape, a prospect that many will find shocking." For emphasis, the Professor tapped his palm with the device, completing its circuit and providing an apt, if unintentional, demonstration of the device's efficacy.

The lecture recessed for drinks and smoking while the Professor regained consciousness, and then the ability to speak sentences with correct grammar and syntax.

"As I was saying," he continued, "I highly recommend the use of safety equipment to prevent the device from discharging itself back into the user's body, as that would have a profoundly negative effect."

Marshall Shannon gave an undignified laugh at the recognition of the pun, before launching into his own troubles. "There are times when it would be...convenient to be able to listen to a telegraph transmission without having to...obtain warrants to listen in at the operator's office."

"Marshal Shannon, are you suggesting that the United States government is interested in listening in on the private communications of its citizens, something expressly forbidden by the Fourth Amendment of the Constitution of the United States?"

"Never," the Marshal said, probably for the benefit of the lawyer and myself, "because the government respects the laws of the country and would never engage in spying on anyone not already suspected of planning to commit heinous crimes against the country."

"Oh," said Wickwire, brightening considerably, "then all you have to do is splice the telegraph cable before it gets to the office and run it into a secret adjoining room where only authorized government agents, bounty hunters, private contractors, and people with political connections can get into. I don't see any legal trouble with that, do you, Brisco?"

"I...would wait for the opinion of our esteemed justices, Professor." Mr. County, Jr. replied, with a tone of voice suggesting that he would, in fact, see quite a bit of legal trouble with such an action. Whether the Professor understood the unstated remark is...unknown, as he seemed ready to engage in a discussion of the finer points of Constitutional law before Officer Fraser spoke.

"Professor Wickwire," he started, at a pace that seemed deliberately measured and level, "the border between our nations seems to be unable to stop the flow of weapons, explosives, and outlaws coming in from Mexico, which are then put to use terrorizing and robbing our frontier towns. The proliferation of these devices and the men that use them makes law enforcement...and extrajudicial outlaw retrieval," here the Officer nodded to the two bounty hunters, "highly dangerous. Technologies to protect ourselves from bullets, bombs, and the criminals that use them would help make our jobs safer."

"Ah, excellent!" cried the Professor. "Now, we can demonstrate the first thing I expected to talk about today! Gentlemen, behold!" Wickwire pointed at Mr. County, Jr. with a dramatic flourish and the clear expectation that all of the attending personnel would understand his gesture and come to the conclusion of his obvious genius. When the expected applause and admiration failed to materialize, there was an audible noise from outside the room's door, not unlike what one might expect if told that a horse was laughing at someone.

"That's not nice, Comet," Mr. County, Jr. said with a clear note of exasperation in his voice, "and I don't recall _you_ creating any of these fine inventions." After a clear snort of dismissal from the horse outside, Mr. County, Jr. marched over to the doorway and opened it, staring the horse on the other side squarely in the face.

"Don't you take that tone of voice with me, Mister. We agreed to help Processor Wickwire because he is an invaluable ally and very well may invent the Coming Thing." The horse whickered in response. "Is that so? It seemed to me like his apple trees are no different than anybody else's. I thought you were genuinely interested in his work."

At this point, one hopes that Mr. County, Jr. realized the way that his scene looked to the onlookers. "We'll talk about this later," he said, closing the door. "Sorry about the interruption." The Marshals and the RCMP officer shared my opinion of the sanity of the situation, but Professor Wickwire and "Lord" Bowler seemed to take it in stride, as if they had seen this before.

The meeting was recessed for drinks and smoking while Mr. County, Jr. ensured that his horse would not interrupt the proceedings again. The sentries posted outside were reprimanded for their inability to stop a horse from intruding.

At the resumption of the lecture, Professor Wickwire drew the attention of the assembled to the silken vest Mr. County, Jr. was wearing, as he stood across the room from the Professor.

"Gentlemen, I present to you a prototype of a vest that can repel bullets fired from both pistols and rifles. Utilizing the very latest in fabrics, made of a very tight weave of silk and other elements, a person wearing this vest can withstand a shot from incredibly close ranges, as Mr. County here will demonstrate." 

At which point the Professor picked up what had been thought, and checked, to be an empty pistol and deposited a round into the chamber, pointing it squarely at Mr. County, Jr's chest. The assembled law enforcement and myself called for the sentries and leapt from our seats to prevent what was scheduled to happen next.

"Wait, Professor, I didn't--" Mr. County, Jr. began by way of protest.

"--Hold still, Brisco, I don't want to miss and hurt you." The Professor then fired the weapon, flinging Mr. County, Jr. into the wall behind him, where he collapsed.

"Wow," said Wickwire, "those things have much more kick than I thought." The Marshals and sentries were ready to arrest the Professor when Mr. County, Jr. coughed and groaned, standing up to show that the Professor's invention had worked as advertised, although there was an unsightly burn where the bullet had impacted with the vest.

"As you can see, gentlemen, this vest will save lives when used properly." Wickwire seemed unperturbed by the sequence of actions he had precipitated. "In principle, it will also work to deflect the projectiles from shotguns, as we will demonstrate on the training range mannequins later."

"Mannequins?!" shouted Mr. County, Jr., even as the action wracked him with pain. "Why not use mannequins for this? Why did you shoot _me_ , instead?"

"Well, that's simple, Brisco. As you have all seen," and here the Professor swept his hand around to indicate the assembled officers, "the vest does protect against the penetrative force of bullets and explosives. It does not, however, protect against the kinetic forces imparted by the impact of such things. I didn't want to give these fine people the impression that the vest would make them invulnerable. Even if they survive getting shot, it's going to hurt like the dickens afterward. Caution and good judgment will still be needed when tracking and making arrests."

"And you couldn't have just _told_ them?" Mr. County, Jr. wheezed.

"I find that demonstrations are more effective at staying in memory, as you well know." Professor Wickwire clapped his hands together and faced the audience, who had just recently retaken their seats. "Any questions?"

There were none about the technology, although I suspect there were several unvoiced questions about the sanity and mental competence of Professor Wickwire, and several more about the intelligence of anyone who willingly associated themselves with him.

Since the were no questions spoken aloud, the meeting recessed for lunch, after which I turned scribe duties over to Lieutenant Edward Silverton.

Respectfully submitted,

John Smith


End file.
